An Understated Life

of Superheroes and sidekicks...

2007-07-15T23:24:00.000+08:00

This is just a repost of my earlier work...but I want you to read this....

Life teaches us a lot doesn't it. I saw it last night out -- with Batman and Robin from eVer.

Batman is a smart man and I have much respect for him and his kin -- the Batman's in my life... all of them. Robin is unique in that there are many superhero's but very few sidekicks.

There's no SuperBoy to the Superman. There's no Crab to the Spiderman. There's no Flush to go with Flash... I could go on and on... but Superhero's are a plenty...Sidekicks, now they're impossible to find. Especially a good sidekick... I'm not entirely sure why that is, but how do you find someone to trust your deepest darkest secrets to?

No wonder its impossible for most people to ever get married to someone that knows them completely...

If you can't find a sidekick, how do you find a spouse?

I think people go through their lives like Superman or Spiderman, hiding their true identity under layers and layers of society driven, suspicion diverting, inconspicuous camouflage.

What a sad thought considering that everybody started out as Superman and then became Clark Kent as the world took its swipes at them. Rarely, and possibly only in times of deep trouble do they manage to pull off the layers of crap and display the bright red suit they wear, Most times they just forget that they even wear it anymore!

I'm not saying that Batman was gay. I am saying that a relationship is based on more than lust and trust. Lust and trust are my two favorite 'non existent' pillars for relationships.

Everybody thinks that love is important... love is what it is... not one person can define love as anything concrete.

Trust is equally fictional -- here one day, gone the next. If an event occurred today that caused someone to lose their trust in me, then starting tomorrow am I trustworthy again? Everybody that meets me tomorrow onwards might think so, if they never hear of what happened yesterday. Again there is nothing empirical about trust, its just perception, and one that has no metrics applicable at all.

Lust, is well, I won't even elaborate on why that's a bad reason to build a relationship on.

Finally comes the last pillar: Passion.

Passion is important. Not for any other reason but for the fact that if you don't even begin passionately in love and madly trusting of the partner then what will you end up with?

Sure everybody says that passion fades, but these people are usually those that have never known true passion.

Love completes me they say. These people have no idea what it is like to be part of something bigger than themselves. Love doesn't complete the individual, love completes the couple. To be part of this synergy of two individuals ~ passion is absolutely necessary!

Passion is what passion is. A life without it is greatly undeserving of being referred to as such.

How I got from Batman to Passion, I'm not sure but it was on my mind these last few days as I've looked at my life and tried to eliminate everything from my it that doesn't inspire passion in me.

As we travel through life there's so many opportunities to learn so many things from the people surrounding us on a daily basis. Its strange how little we actually do learn. Robin could easily become Batman someday ~ as long as Batman keeps teaching him.

Finally I come down to the half hour test. If I spend a half hour with someone and come away more upbeat, more energetic, and generally happier, then they are good folk. They inspire me, motivate me, and make me want to do something.

If I spend the half hour with someone and they proceed to just suck the life out of my body, leave me drained and unmotivated then they aren't the sort of people I want to spend my time with.

Every now and then you have to look around and check... only because its so strange the amount of influence the people around you can have on you... positive or negative!

That's my Zen for now on the last 3 nights. The stories will follow after!

A haunting...

2007-06-26T12:40:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we do things that we regret, but over time we learn to hide them in the back of our minds. We trick ourselves into thinking that it wasn’t so bad after all. We can go for years and years without ever even thinking about it. Then one day, without warning, something happens that brings you face to face with your past. It has been said that those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it.

Friends To Lovers

2007-06-26T12:38:00.001+08:00

I have always lived by the belief that you are only as good as the company that you keep. I abide by that philosophy in almost every aspect of my life. To me friendship is paramount to survival. What could be more important than someone to love you for who you are? Some friends may come and go, but there is one type of friend that will be with you till death do you part.

I often wonder why we can't keep our lovers as friends. Is it because they are so close to us that they know how to hurt us the same way they can make us happy? I certainly would like to be friends with my girlfriend first...at least if all else would fail...I would still have friendship to cling on to her.

Right now I just feel good about the fact that I am friends with her even though she means more to me other than being friends.

It isn't supposed to be a disadvantage...even for people who are in love...

Change...again???

2007-06-26T12:37:00.001+08:00

I'm pissed. Somebody asked me to change. WHAT???

Like Oh a simple line..."when will you ever change ian"

Why the fuck should I?

Is there something seriously wrong with me that needs fixing? I don't know...but I wouldn't go out on a limb and tell people that there's something wrong about them...I just don't. I will if you're entirely fucked up or like close to crashing an airplane and I'm exactly on it. Again, i just don't. I guess there's a rule about that. Its like an unspoken rule...between brothers...like don't fuck my ex or like don't go screw a relative or something...

And the nerve? The NERVE!

I guess...the golden rule...don't judge people, if you don't want to be judged yourself...

A Story to tell

2007-06-26T12:34:00.000+08:00

Sometimes the hardest thing to admit is not that we have been wrong, but that we miss or need someone that is no longer part of our life. On that Sunday, against my better judgment, I went to her. I didn't want to go and I was determined not to have a good time. It took every thing I had inside me to walk into that house. I stood near the door, ready to make my escape. After about 10 minutes of small talk with the other guest I saw my "friend" crossing the room to greet me. I felt a lump rise in my throat and my back go rigid. I tried to look away, but it was too late. There was no escape. She touched my shoulders and said she was glad that I came and then she did it. She kissed me on the cheek. I felt my heart race. I couldn't say anything. I just looked down at the floor. She moved away into the next room. I looked up at my friends who were all looking at me. They where waiting on my reaction.

Inside I was screaming and trying to keep from running out the door, but on the outside I just seemed uncomfortable. As the minutes turned to hours I finally came to a verdict. It was going to have to be me. She had invited me to her home. That was her gesture. Now it was time for me finish the story.

As the party drew to a close I found her alone. I took a deep breath and I walked right up to her. "We need to talk", I blurted out to her. And so we did. The defensive posturing seemed to fade after 10 or 15 minutes and the truth began to flow. The story of why she stopped talking to me was such a minor part of the why. The more I pressed the more feelings began to poor out. Finally, like peeling back the skins of an onion, I found the core. "I feel like you just don't need me anymore...that you'd rather hang out with those other girls", she explained. "The best times were the ones with just you and me. I really miss you". There it was the why. I reached down inside of me and I uttered the words, "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I miss you, too." We hugged. But it was the end. Things got too strained for us to try again.

In the end we both were wrong. We both let each other down and we hurt each other. They say there are three sides to every story, yours...mine and the truth. Perhaps if we didn't try so hard to have our side heard then we might find the truth a lot sooner.

Wayward thought

2007-05-29T14:41:00.002+08:00

In this world of irresponsible medical altruism and the survival of the undeserving - i think naked knife fighting should be the new business end of evolution. Two contestants. Surgical scalpels. no clothing. Take his balls. Stab her in the ovaries. Only one set of reproductive organs can walk away.

You do not know

2007-05-29T14:41:00.001+08:00

It does not take seeing someone to know and feel that they are existing. There's no need to see me to know and feel that I'm around. You just need to trust me that I'll be beside you when you need me. It's unfortunate that things hinge on small matters as it does with big things. You could have certainly done better. I'm telling you. To put such great weight on something so small, a thing you're not even sure of ...or on something you could have given me the benefit of the doubt, is something of a puzzle to me. I'm tired of shielding myself from your doubts and insecurities.

Now as we know it

2007-05-29T14:40:00.002+08:00

The amount of time it takes for light to hit our eyes or sound to travel to our ears... compounded by stagnant nerve pathways transporting information to our brains... and that organs alacrity at processing information... all contributes to the fact that we never experience now as it actually occurs.

We function in "the lag" between event and comprehension and everything we think we know about the present point in time is assumed in the micro-moment before we ever experience it.

How soon is now? later than you think.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

2007-05-29T14:40:00.001+08:00

I have never, ever, EVER understood that saying. The other shoe? Wait a minute - what about the first shoe? Did i miss that too? And what the fucks with all these dropping shoes?

I have never in my lifetime waited for a shoe to do anything at all. Maybe I'm not as fixated on them as some people. To me, they're entirely non-dynamic devices handy for protecting my street trampling soles and hiding the horrible mutant pigeon toe on my right foot (thanks dad - thanks a bunch).

I'm not even worrisome of undoing shoelaces or wearing socks. I don't spend more on them than i would for a decent restaurant meal. And I wear them again and again and again until i cross the event horizon of probability betwixt the sciences of vulcanized synthetic polymers and ambulatory friction.

It can honestly be said that I spend as little time on footwear as humanly possible and the chances of me waiting around for the first shoe to drop, let alone the second, are infinitesimal to non-existent.

The fact that i bothered to take this time to even explain that fact comes as a total surprise and a valid indication of just how bored i must be these days.

Untitled again

2007-05-29T14:39:00.000+08:00

Is there anything better than traffic in the morning?

Is there anything better than food on a plate?

Is there anything better than what's on the menu?

Is there anything better than getting your money on a payday?

Is there anything better than a quickie in a dark corner of a parking lot?

Is there anything better than going to work everyday?

Is there anything better than hope?

Is there anything better than ending with death?

Is there anything better...

Suspended...

2007-05-29T14:38:00.001+08:00

I can't get angry anymore. Can’t get sad or happy. Not even anything. I just don't have it in me. I've leveled. Settled. Plateaued somewhere around the middle of fucking nowhere.

The worst I can summon is a vague dissatisfaction with the lack of disgust I have for everything I used to abhor. And there's nothing less poetic than apathy. Someone needs to pick a fight with me – I'll take any side you like.

What is...

2007-05-29T14:37:00.002+08:00

...the brief moment between breathing in and breathing out. When you've drawn them in and taken them deep within yourself. When you're full of them and you just pause for that one beat. Totally sustained and happy and fulfilled. And then you let them go. They rush out of you and into memory. And you spend a while releasing them completely. And sometimes you spend too long. And then you breathe them in once more. Or you breathe in someone new. Or you never breathe again.

Now is gone

2007-05-29T14:37:00.001+08:00

As soon as you utter the word "now", it has become obsolete. It's all past - there is no present. All of this (*waves vaguely at the universe*) is just the sharpest point at the leading edge of history. We have no choice but to use 'the past' - because that's the temporal context within which we all spend the greatest portion of our lives.

Now and Again

2007-05-29T14:36:00.001+08:00

I've said it before and here I am saying it again - sometimes all you are is a stray thought. Oh I know you think you are a whole set of ideals and ideas, experiences and influences, deeds and desires. And often times maybe you are all those things, if you can find the time to balance them all in your head. When you pause for personal station identification - I guess you could list pages and pages of "things" that gestaltalize into the sum of the whole that you call You.

But sometimes, maybe even most times - you are simply one thing turning over in your advanced monkey cranium. You are hunger. Or you are boredom. You are in love. Or you are horny. You are that one time you were a dick at that party. Or you are afraid of something half remembered in the darkness coming out of a dream. Or you are this blog entry you have to get done before you forget why it is you bother blogging at all.

Sometimes all you are is loneliness. Sometimes all you are is the adrenaline immediately before a shot of tequila. Sometimes you're the burn that comes immediately after. Then you're hung on a dumb piece of trivia. You're caught in a glance with a beautiful stranger. You're the weather later this afternoon. You're the need to urinate. You're this song you love. You're a television show you don't even enjoy. You're the phone bill that needs to be paid.

You are all of these individual moments. Stand alone instances. Slices of identity. It’s always been easier for me to be these things than to be a continuing narrative. I'm bad at history and even worse at destiny - but I've always been pretty good at now.

Give me that. Give me now, again.

Give me now, forever.

The Moment Between Strangers

2007-05-29T14:35:00.001+08:00

Somewhere between the strangers who turn into us, and the strangers we inevitably become - are the lives we occupy briefly and imagine to be the whole of ourselves.

These transient identities. These dust motes on anarchic tumble-tide trajectories. These momentary illusions coalesced from the quantum cause and ripple effect of all history, ready to evanesce at the slightest shift in neurochemistry or universal whimsy.

It seems I can no longer find time to define time... and meaning... and underlying form... and all those other things that occupied my mind so completely. Is life distracting me from the thoughts or were the thoughts distracting me from life? Am I better off where I am or where I was?

Was I a better stranger once? Will I be a better stranger hence? Am I at least half as far from who I was, than from whom I want to become? Can these things be measured with any accuracy or meaning?

I know I cannot know for sure - but it somehow pleases me that I’m still the kind of person who'll ask a purely poetic question.

If only to beg poetic answers.

Rituals

2007-05-29T14:34:00.002+08:00

I'm not superstitious, but I'm very conscious of my own psychology. I know not to do anything that I'll probably blame later for whatever "bad thing" comes next. Which I guess is superstition on a certain level.

I don't mind doing the small ineffectual rituals (dodging ladders, outflanking black cats, clearing all the porn out of my browser history) if it means I can cross superstitious karma off my list of reasons why bad shit went down today.

Truths

2007-05-29T14:34:00.001+08:00

God divided the world from the firmament - this is true. The Universe started with a Big Bang - this is also true.

You became self-aware and the universe accrued about your awareness to accommodate the new point of view - this too is truth.

Some instantly forgettable, yet infinitely quotable person, once wrote: "there is my truth and your truth and the actual truth probably lies somewhere in between." There's always another way of looking at the facts - of interpreting different truths. No thing is absolute, no fundamental premise incontrovertible - our spherically flat planet taught us that. Something should only ever be considered, at most: true enough. For current understanding. For present circumstances. For prevailing conditions. What's true enough for you, is not my business. What is true enough for me, is not yours. A truth should only ever be offered and never forced upon another.

The indelible croûtons of absolute truth may exist, arbitrarily, throughout the ever expanding pea soup of human knowledge - but its only at the end of that illimitable dish that we can say, with any glimmer of certainty, where those crumbs may lie.

And even then - the soup is usually just the first course.

(it always comes back to the soup - i really don't know why)

No, Not for me

2007-05-29T14:33:00.001+08:00

It's not that I don't like pop music as such - I simply don't listen to the radio. I also don't order from the menu.

I think radio stations and menus are for people who don't really know what they want.

Sometimes

2007-05-29T14:32:00.000+08:00

I come here to this black page and I just furrow at it for a while. Or I giggle at it a bit. Or I stare at it blankly and then page-away to some web comic or other. And sometimes that's as far as it gets.

Other times I just start putting words down. Whatever pops into my head. Like now - writing about what I write about and how.

Most of the time it just falls out in full sentences. Some silly phrase or crazy metaphor that's been dry humping my occipital lobe. Sometimes it just springs up around some extemporary word I’ve been dying to use.

It’s the last part that is most difficult though. When i look back over and say yes or no. Publish or draft. Live or die. Inflict or retract. Is it interesting at all to anyone other than myself? Does anyone on the other side of this keyboard give a flying fuck? Do I?

And its the answer to that last question that invariably tips the scales.

The thing from last night

2007-05-29T14:31:00.000+08:00

last night

It seemed friendly enough, and we all accepted it and took it in, but now I'm not so sure. Why has it no name? It exists only in our memories now. It exists only as "The Thing From Last Night".

As thinking creatures, we need names attached to entities to make their existence more definite. When something has no name, it's just... just... "The Thing From Last Night", and we're left with an uneasy feeling.

Is it safe? Is it friendly? What are its true intentions? And why why why has it no name!?

"The Thing From Last Night" has no name because I didn't give it one. Yes, I created "The Thing From Last Night". I alone conjured the idea and brought it into its material existence. It's my fault that it had no name and was subsequently alienized.

On the plus side, perhaps this alienization made it more interesting, more of an adventure. Just what were we dealing with? How would it behave under certain conditions? What would be the long term effects of developing a relationship with "The Thing From Last Night"?

In the future, however, I will give these almagamations a name. An identity of their own. In that way, I expect to avoid the ridicule, suspicions, and overly critical eyes of those who would judge my capabilities and mental faculties.

*Note to self: Next time when someone asks, "What's for dinner?", don't answer, "The Thing From Last Night".

untitled

2007-05-29T14:30:00.000+08:00

every time the phone doesn't ring, i know it's you not calling me.

I Read You

2007-05-29T14:28:00.000+08:00

I read you. your hurts and worries - carefully framed and angled against the light, that the shadows might spill just so. Your happiness and laughter written out in vivacious discourse, buoyant and optimistic. Your anger sharp and jagged against the page. clinical observations and heated opinions. Brazen revelations and coy confessions. I read you in these things. In these thoughts you share. I read you and I guess - for guessing is all I have. Like trying to reverse engineer every raindrop in a storm - to discern the glorious color of the butterfly's beating wings. I read and arrogantly imagine I have some sense of you. however remote. However imperfectly perceived. However distorted by language and distance, by your inscrutable aspects and my implicitly flawed assumptions. I read and I believe that the quintessential part of you that extends out here into my blog and those other places where our lives ever so briefly touch - is knowable. Is something real – on its own terms and however you choose to define it. I'm not addressing your problems, because I don't really know them. But I know you - and you are wonderful. Broken and wound down at the bottom of a pool and totally wonderful. You'll pull through this and all else. You'll hold on when you need to and let go when you have to. And you don't need to hear any of this, I know. But maybe I needed to say it.

Change

2007-05-29T14:27:00.000+08:00

People…you thought you know them. The truth is you don't. That perception is wrong. People keep on changing. Sometimes the changes in them hurt you. From a somebody, suddenly you become a nobody to them. Though they might not say so... the way they treat tells you everything. Suddenly, agnosia is a reason and a mnemonic aid is required for them to remember you.

Before, they will tell you their biggest secret. Now, they don't even want to tell you the smallest or unimportant things that happen to them. Suddenly, you feel like you don't know them at all. It hurts you deeply when you are booted out of their schema. But you couldn't tell them that because they will tell you that they are still the same person you know before. Everything’s a distant memory now…like a long lost and forgotten book in a dusty library shelf.

Extracting truth from all of them requires a lot of creativity.

Before, they will turn to you for advices in every category. They will come to you whenever they have problems. But now, they’re seeking it from their new friends. It’s like having dyslexia or a cognitive disorder and they think you won’t be able to understand them at all. Like it’s written all over your forehead. It is not about jealousy. It is just about a friend who thought they lost their sacred friendship.

Is the world selfish or am I just a self-centered being trying to find answers to things I couldn’t explain? A simple way of evaluation for things I can’t put a word on? Change is very hard to accept especially when it happens to people who are close to us. Gone are the long hours of idleness together, the seemingly endless laughter on very simple and crazy things, and the countless things that can be shared together…the shared experience. The semantics is lost.

No matter what kind of reinforcement, positive or negative and all the heuristics in life to solve this seemingly unavoidable situation, when people change… forget the most important things in their lives…its time to look for something new under the sun.

The concept of it all is simple. People change…and that’s a common knowledge.

I got tagged

2007-05-29T14:26:00.000+08:00

I got tagged so I must write these things down…little know facts about myself

I don't believe in "weird" is an appropriate term when applied to habits or little known facts about people. Everyone has things particular to them – and weirdness just depends on how specific you want to be when describing them. If everything is "weird" – nothing is "weird".
I do not possess the ability to suspend disbelief enough to become a Christian... or an airplane pilot.
I love people but hate crowds.
Every morning i wake up a full three and a half minutes before my will to live.
Luckily my suicidal impulse sleeps late.
I am narcissism incarnate. In fact, if Narcissus himself were alive, he'd bow down to me and my incredible ego.
That fact alone has, quite literally at times, been the only thing that has kept me alive.
I believe that reality is an entirely local phenomenon - Which the universe functions under the weight of belief and opinion. That if people thought about something in a different way – then that difference would become fact. For this reason I am irrationally afraid of the terrible things I think up when I am alone.
One of my favorite activities is ceasing to exist in space-time. I secret myself away somewhere no one can find me and I stop moving entirely. I disconnect myself from any remnant of cause-and-effect reality. I make myself as small and rippleless as possible against the flow of time and wait until I’m not thinking of anything and I’m sure no one anywhere is thinking of me. Then I simply stop existing altogether. Depending on your point of view - this lasts forever or for no time at all.
As I've said before, I don't really go in for these things and this one was completed strictly as a courtesy to Marqui. I will however not act as a vector for this sort of viral contrivance. I will not inflict this on six others as the "rules" declare. This strain ends with me.

Babel

2007-05-29T14:23:00.000+08:00

Okay, I'm going against the grain here.

We watched the movie "Babel" over the weekend. I thought it was crappy. I know, I know, it was Oscar nominated and stuff like that. That's the main reason I got the DVD, but I thought it was crappy.

I won't even get into the arguments regarding the way the Morrocan government works or the racist stereotypes or the young boy getting off on his older sister naked or gunshot trajectories, etc.. Nope, not going anywhere like that.

I just didn't feel there was enough character development for me to give a hoot about any of them. Yes, there were awful and thought provoking situations, but these were mainly the results of stupid decisions by selfish and/or shallow people IMHO. As one review I read said, "When bad things happen to stupid people, should we care?"

That said, I'm strangely not disappointed that I watched it, even though it took about 2½ hours of my life. At least the ending left me with the feeling that maybe these people will get their acts together now. But then again, it was just a movie.

The only virtuous person in the movie, I felt, was the Morrocan translator guy who helped Brad Pitt's character. Then there were the little kids. I did worry about them, but that's just because they were innocent little kids surrounded by the "stupid people" referred to above - parents, illegal nanny. There was also the deaf Japanese girl for whom I did also feel some compassion. I wanted to befriend her and tell her to stop being so slutty.

Anyway, I'm not sorry I watched it. I just found the stories and the characters annoying. One bad decision followed by another and another and another, like when there's people you just wanna slap, but you can't because they're on the TV. Watch it, see what you think.

And as for that whole artsy fartsy "interwovenness", yeah, okay YAWN. Sorry, not all that impressive.

One and a half goat skins out of 4 for "Babel".

Ramblings

2007-05-29T14:17:00.000+08:00

Here I go again, just deleted my old blog and now I'm back it again.

Many things have happened to me these past few months. Now that I'm "almost" back to normal...I'll try to write things as they come. Maybe a day to day thing. I haven't really had a consistent effort on that. Boring stuff I guess.

Well this morning I had a "creeping" meeting. Creeping meaning, all the people in the meeting are there but they're stuck in their laptop computers quiet. Then they'll just slowly start their way into the meeting. I hate it. Waste of time. Suddenly KABOOM, the meeting is on its way.

Went to Makati Med and took in my medication. Had Pizza for lunch. Yum Yum.

After lunch, things got a little slower. I actually did nothing. Work? Forget it. I'm the worlds greatest slacker. I can hardly write two freaking cells on Excel without my brains blowing off to pieces. There's a lot of rusty parts on my head. Needs a bit of cleaning.

Sleepy afternoon

2007-05-29T13:56:00.000+08:00

Yes, this is the time of the day where my eyes are falling off and my head is dropping for anything soft.

I'm soooooooooo sleepy. This is also the time of the day where pretending to work seems to be the hardest. Hehehehe.

Hay...the office is simply not a friendly place to snooze, unless the dusty carpet and the dust mites are your best of friends...but NO NOT FOR ME.

The dusty and dirty throw pillows are gone mysteriously missing this time of the day. Hmmm i wonder where'd they go... Its somewhere out there...stolen by the dozen I guess.

Coffee won't work, Steroids won't do any good where A soft pillow and a cool bed will just do fine. I miss my lazy afternoons at home. A warm drink will do great though...anything but coffee.

Other blog site

2006-11-22T17:46:00.001+08:00

Lost the link here's my Friendster blog. Please do visit.

Thanks

2006-09-30T19:34:00.000+08:00

God is really kind when you surrender everything to HIM. He gave my faith back. I thought I was in the depths of winter…but he gave me an invincible summer that rekindled the inner strength in me. For days on end, I was an empty shell, but he gave me hope. Faith makes people self-less and compromising. Another chance. Another beginning. I thank God for giving her back to me once more. Now, I'm counting my blessings...

Answers

2006-09-30T16:10:00.000+08:00

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

Friends

2006-09-27T10:03:00.000+08:00

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

Setting her free

2006-09-26T22:42:00.000+08:00

I started writing this web log with the intention of purging myself of an obsession. Instead, it immersed me deeper in it.

I thought talking about how I felt would make the yearning go away. Instead, it made me see what I wanted was within my grasp, if only I was brave enough to reach for it.

I had hoped a man's friendship, loyalty and devotion would be enough for any woman to fall madly in love with him. Instead, I have been educated in the harsh reality of love ... unrequited love.

Fuck honesty. Rejection reeks.

I have officially "set her free" -- the easiest decisions are ones where you don't really have a choice. I am now working on seeing Jeunnesse as I used to – a friend, a kindred companion when we need to hang and pig out. More diligently, I am trying to bury my secret dreams of having her as my girlfriend, a wife, as the mother of my children, as the woman I was going to grow old with.

The reality is I will probably have romantic love for Jeunnesse forever. But of course, I will now downplay that fact (er ... lie my ass off) should the subject ever come up -- if only to maintain a sliver of dignity.

In a way, I have also set myself free. The idealistic career plans I made years ago have been reincarnated. My desire to dig up my acceptance to a job offer abroad has been renewed (I ought to be able to make it before 2007). Beautiful women who have, in no vague manner, shown interest in me are beginning to look strangely appealing. My mind's engine has been busy consoling me with all the good things in my life in its attempt to drown that numbing feeling of being emotionally castrated.

Non-Disney ending considered, I have no regrets. I would do this all over again in a heartbeat. And as soon as I find my balls, I can probably even write about that last nauseating trip to her house and how she booted me like an old shoe. By then, perhaps you guys can help me answer my questions about the words we exchanged, the things she spoke of and that venomous snake bite of a kiss! For now, I can disclose that I have, since that fateful Sunday, been haunted by dreams of Joseph (bound and gagged), a windowless room and many, many instruments of torture.

Oh and be a human being -- no fucking "pity" comments please. If you really want to help me out, set me up with a girl.

Dumped

2006-09-25T02:05:00.000+08:00

Jeunnesse, the girl that swept me off my feet a few months ago, has officially DUMPED me. She wants time and space. Two elements that I’m not prepared to give. She wants to be an astronaut. I’m crushed. She told me that she needs time to think and sort out the many confusing things in her life. I don’t exactly know what to do…

I’m really in no mood to explain the details…

disinterest is no longer a reason

2005-10-02T02:39:00.000+08:00

Okay, I know I haven't really been writting much this lately. I thought it was just disinterest...I guess not anymore. I thought writing a blog before was just another form of an escape from reality. YES IT WAS! For me, the last six months has been some kind of a hell hole for me. The only bright spot was my GF stringing my days with her presence. I'm glad that I'm over that depressive state. I feel as if I'm a man on a mission right now. I have fire on my butt again!!!! I'm glad that many people believed in me that I can get out of that funk! Thanks people! Thanks Again! I guess I have another reason why I wanna start blogging again...because I'M HAPPY!

Disinterest

2005-09-12T12:29:00.000+08:00

Sorry guys, I haven’t been updating my blog lately…been busy with lots of things. I guess I lost the drive to write the crazy things…the things I view as important then. Maybe things evolved into something disinteresting…more of this later…

Last SONG SYNDROME!

2005-09-07T00:51:00.000+08:00

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CANT SHAKE THIS OFF!!!!!!!!!!

LAST SONG SYNDROME ATTACK!!!!! LSS! LSS!

I CAN’T SHAKE THIS SONG OFF MY FUCKING HEAD!!!!

ITS JOJO’S SONG…LEAVE! GET OUT!

I’ve been singing this song the entire day…in the comfort room while I’m shitting…in the fucking car…in my fucking class…when I was walking home…when I was eating my dinner! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

DAMN IT!

Well, I think this one is better…the last MAJOR LSS attack was JUMBO HOTDOG by Masculados I think…I heard it while inside the bus!!!!! Hehehehe!

Guarded Optimism

2005-09-07T00:39:00.000+08:00

All right people…I got my hair cut…errr I mean shaved headed again. Well it’s not that super short…it’s what they call UNO or number 1. Hehehe…I really looked SUPERUGLY with my un-kept hair. Can’t even bare to see my own face! Hehehehe.

But I’m not worried about it now! It’s all gone! Bwahahahah. I’ll try growing it back again next month.

Anyway, I had a great day today. My interview went well. Far beyond from what I was expecting. I’m very optimistic that things will go down well for me…But I’m guarding my optimism. You know, I’ve been through a lot of disappointments lately that kept me frustrated for long time. I don’t want to be frustrated again…I can only describe it in a few words…its like “close but not close enough!”

I got to see G-lyn as well. I kissed her a lot…Damn I really miss kissing her HEHEHE with tongue action of course!

Anyway, thanks to the people who never stopped believing in me and to those who never doubted me…and thank you for wishing me luck! To all of you…THANKS

Listening to MYMP and HALE

2005-09-02T11:18:00.000+08:00

Okay fellas, my night with G-lyn was great (if some of you are thinking if we MADE OUT...the answer is a resounding NO!) We just want to be alone and sit side by side to talk. Oh you know, the sweet talks (at the same time gobbling down SIOMAI) and the divine silence after that. Hehehehe!

After I got home...and that was around 12:30 AM, I listened to MYMP in my PC...They're actually pretty good...I like how they did some of the old covers. Actually I got to see them perform LIVE last July 29 @ UP Diliman...and they are every bit as good as advertised...NO! THEY'RE BETTER EVEN SEEN LIVE! Like the crowd's really into them. I mean, every freaking song...everybody sang with them...FANTASTIC!!! Juris sounds the same live as she is on the record!!!!

I also got to see (I mean hear) Hale LIVE last July 29...however...they're a BIG DISAPPOINTMENT! WHY? They're all baloney...The Champ guy...he's more like a CHUMP. I mean...he can't even sing his own songs properly without choking...A BIG GRRRRRR from the crowd! And they made a BIG NO NO! by not performing their only crowd favorite "The day you said goodnight"! Why? I don't know!!! Isn't it obvious that the crowd wanted them to play it!!!!!???? It was like the crowd really got disappointed after they finished their gig without playing it...instead of giving them a huge applause...all I heard were very loud "BOOs"! HECK THEY DESERVED IT...NOT EVEN A SINGLE APPLAUSE!!! hehehehe

There were other bands too like SpongeCola, etc...but they are too marginal to be noticed anyway....

Sorry Irish...I had to write this! hehehehe

Bootstart...

2005-09-01T18:40:00.000+08:00

I'm off to Caloocan today to go to G-lyn's house...It's our monthsary today...YES PEOPLE!!! Every 1st of the month is the DATE! I literally slept the entire day...too tired to go to work. Let's see what will happen today...The day isn't finished yet. Right? Later people!

Crapping Point

2005-08-29T18:16:00.000+08:00

A few years ago, I was over at a girl’s house watching a movie. Exciting stuff, NO? Problem was, that we selected Casino for our viewing pleasure. Now this, in and of itself, was not a problem, Casino is a fantastic movie. The trouble was that Casino is three hours long, and somewhere around the midpoint, I suddenly had to use the bathroom like nobody’s business. Now, I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I have to know a girl pretty well before I’m going to take a dump at her house. I WAS TORN. This was obviously a COOL CHICK if she wanted to watch Casino, so I couldn’t exactly leave before the movie was over, nor could I dare use the bathroom so mockingly close to where the TV was, and definitely within AUDITORY and OLFACTORY range.

I decided I would BRAVE the storm. I sat in EXTREME discomfort, squeezing my BUTT CHEEKS, waiting for gas bubbles to burst to give a moment’s relief. Finally, the Casinos fell, and the film was over. I casually said my goodnights, said I had a really nice time through GRITTED TEETH, and walked out the door.

When I stepped into the chilly 2 AM air, I stared down the street and realized a MAJOR tactical ERROR in my planning. I was so intent on making it out of there with my dignity intact, if you will, that I had completely forgotten that I now had to walk home – like 5 blocks home. And this was a residential area, no gasoline stations or convenient stores like that on my route. I realised that this was it. This would be the test of all tests.

And so I began my BUTT-CLENCHED, high-speed swagger. It was a tough balance between speeding up to get home sooner, and maintaining a speed that wouldn’t make me CRAP on my pants way too soon. It was as if you had a hole in the gas-tank of your car, and you knew you had to choose between getting somewhere faster and burning gas before it spills out, or conserving gas to make it further, hoping the leak was slow enough to last. A dangerous game. Suddenly, as I passed by a dark alleyway, a PLASTIC BAG flew out in an updraft right in front of me. It was a rattling apparition that launched itself straight into my freaking face. That was almost the end of the ballgame, when that slimey plastic bag slammed into my face it quite literally almost scared the SHIT out of me.

I made it the last few blocks and flew into the house. Then of course came the old dilemma. Does this ever happen to anyone else? You have to use the bathroom so badly, that as soon as you see the toilet, your FUCKING brain, for whatever perverse reason, says, ok, here we go! It’s the worst moment of the entire ordeal… to make it so far, to be so close, only to lose your shit in your own bathroom. Luckily, I had experience in these matters and had started unbuckling my belt a good block and a half back. So relief was mine, and DISASTER AVERTED.

Realistically, I have no idea why I just related that anecdote. It serves no freaking purpose. I don’t think there’s even a moral to the story, except maybe: Don’t be a DUMB-ASS. Okay I’m going to go write something that has nothing to do with my gastrointestinal system. I promise. You people have endured enough.

Is it just me???

2005-08-29T16:40:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel like when it comes to kissing, I’ll just never catch on. I suppose I’d better elaborate. Don’t get me wrong, as far as regular, romantic smooching goes, I’m no slouch, but what stymies me is the double cheek kiss that is so prominent here as a greeting. Hi! How are you!… *Mwah*… *Mwah*… I wouldn’t mind this at all, except that I get so confused. You see, there are just too many variations and stipulations. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to play a sport and I don’t know any of the rules, but the coach just leaves me in there, flailing around, making an ass of myself.

First of all, there seems to be a proximity-to-familiarity ratio that needs to be adhered to and observed. For example, if I know a girl very well, I might kiss her directly on each cheek. But if it’s someone I don’t know as well, maybe we will just touch cheeks together and kiss the air in the vicinity of our earlobes. But then, if I only know her socially, we’ll probably steer clear of the cheeks and just make "Mwah" noises over each other’s shoulders. But then, a casual acquaintance will most likely just go for the handshake. Believe me, it’s confusing as all hell. You have to make these judgements in the blink of an eye. And if she has a different assessment of our relationship than I do, then we might get caught at cross-purposes. She goes for the cheek, I go for the air, and next thing you know I’ve bitten her ear.

The worst is the hesitation situation, where one of you is going for the handshake, the other the kiss, and then you quickly see your error and switch, but so do they. You end up in one of those situations where you’re walking towards someone and both make a move in the same direction until you’re salsa dancing in the street.

Okay Maybe Not This Kind of Kiss!

And to make matters worse, some people only go with the kissing of the single cheek. This throws a huge wrench into things. Technically, I’m all for it. It’s much simpler overall. But it’ll always throw you off your guard. She stops after one kiss, and meanwhile, like Jesus, I’ve turned the other cheek, and I’m left hanging there. And the worst part is that sometimes I judge incorrectly that the person is a one-cheek-kisser and then I leave her hanging. Then she invariably says, "No sweetie, we kiss both cheeks here." Thanks. Just give me one more year and maybe I’ll get it.

Now, sometimes the guys can throw me off too. A good friend will come toward me with his hand out and so I get ready for the shake, only to find myself in a big bear hug. This means that my shaking hand is now stuck between us and hopefully not prodding anything too inappropriate. Then, after the hug, he’ll be standing there with his hand out for the shake, which I’ve withdrawn out of embarrassment. Hug and then Shake, Hug and then Shake… I always forget. I guess it’s because it basically goes the other way around at home. The brisk handshake evolves through the shoulder clasp, into the manly hug.

I’m hoping that this isn’t just me. I’m hoping that others experience similar situations like: "The Stop and Go," "The Sweaty Cheek" and the always awkward "Cheek Bump." But like most things, I can already hear the decision of the masses: "No Ian, I’m afraid it’s just you."

A knee-jerk reaction

2005-08-27T13:32:00.000+08:00

Some people think that being in love is like a knee-jerk reaction to something that's ordinary or to a plain hale of emotions...IT'S NOT! It's far more complicated than that...When I'm in love I always involve my self and all the resources I have in me to show how dedicated and determined I can be...Clearly its not just a case of knee-jerk reaction because someone is giving me attention - equal or not to the level of what I'm showing. Being involved means I have to have the willpower and enough courage to do something that's risky and unsure. We, as human beings, have the tendency to be over cautious when we encounter something that we are not sure of, but there also lies our natural tendency to over-react and do something silly. Or we could also do something spectular every once and a while. Actually its a thin gray line.

Thanks

2005-08-26T23:04:00.000+08:00

Hmmm, this is difficult to word properly. That usually happens when I'm trying to say something serious. I wouldn’t normally do this, but I need to say thanks to someone. I had never met her before Thursday night, but she has been a reader of my blog for a while now.

Firstly, I must say thanks, because you’re the first person to recognize me only from my writing. And secondly, what you told me the other night was one of the most inspiring things I have ever heard. It’s difficult to keep churning out inane little oddities on this thing day after day, but you made me feel like it was worthwhile, if only for a moment. In fact, I was so struck by what you said that I was somewhat dumbfounded, and I’m afraid our conversation faltered from there. But hopefully we will meet again some day to rectify the matter. So, thanks again.

I would also like to thank Irish for having the time to read my stupid blogs and from giving great comments and advice about my work.

Angel, thanks for writing about me...GOOD or BAD! You know I'd still kick your sorry ass even though you've written a lot about me...It's a shame that I could never write as good as you...I fear I could not do you justice if I ever did write something about you.

And as for everyone else, sorry for sounding so secretive, but I felt I needed to make that acknowledgment. Hopefully I’ll get time to throw together some posts in the next couple days and get back on track.

From a fortune cookie!

2005-08-25T01:21:00.000+08:00

From a chinese fortune cookie! Grrrrrrrr! How true!

TOILET pleasantries

2005-08-21T17:39:00.000+08:00

I feel like a sloth these past few days...after the operation. Must have been my bed...I've been oversleeping lately. Again school is totally uneventful. I really can't bare to stay there doing nothing...Thats why after I dismiss my class...I'm outta there FAST!

A few days ago, while I was giving a friend some serious advice about her condition (well you know me besides from being a jerk - thanks Angel - i can dispense some serious advice every once in a while) I can't remember this important WORD...my mind kept on kicking "ATROCITY" but it wasn't the right word to describe her situation. I needed a word to say "UBUSAN" in tagalog or something to do with decimation...BUT I FREAKIN CANT THINK OF IT or anything close to that!!! I even went online and read World War I articles...the last war that I think best describes the word I'm looking for...I STILL CANT FREAKIN REMEMBER IT! Opened up a thesaurus...not there...dictionary...not even close....online searches...NADA ZIP ZERO NULL

A day went by...STILL NO FREAKIN IDEA....

another day went by but still...FUCKING CLUELESS!

On the third day, while I was in the toilet...DO I HAVE TO TELL THE WORLD what I was doin? No need...In my time of divine silence...Suddenly the elusive word came up..."ATTRITION"...just as a piece of my turd came splashing to the bottom of the toilet...What a great way to remember a word...of all the weird places I could think of. Well, it must be true they say that a medieval english king signed royal papers while in the toilet because he is at his best there and there he also named his chaimberlain "Chancellor of the STOOL" - therefore inventing the medical use of the word. Well, I'm no king (I WISH!!!) but that similar situation certainly worked for me!

Here and there...

2005-08-20T13:22:00.000+08:00

I've been off writing for a few days...I don't know...It's pretty hard to think when you're mind is out facing problems here and there. Well, school has been mainly boring for the last week...not much is happening there on that, though I've found something more inspiring to do than just staying there. Trying to catch some sleep as well. It's a pretty lame excuse for not writing but thats the best I could offer for now.

You know, I never could have imagined teaching (still) this part of the year. I half expected to be out of there by this time...however just like any good plan - somethings don't really work out that easily. Perhaps soon...

Someone asked me (persuaded) me to stay on and finish the semester (or until August at least)...that's partly why I stayed on...but that reason died down as well...

A theory

2005-08-16T00:39:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, a friend of mine mentioned something about a crazy theory of hers regarding dressing and looking good for your CRUSH.. that IT DOESNT REALLY WORK, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO!!! You just won't get noticed!!! According to her theory, if you go to school looking good, smelling good, and feeling good...and hope that your crush will notice (or even talk you) will not work in three ways a) He or she is either absent or sick b) that person is busy or totally just out of your way or c) your STARS and PLANETS aren't aligned today. But in all the days that GOD created like the days that you look worn out or simply not your usual best (mukhang katulong or alalay or you just simply look pathethic)...like when you have that old pair of jeans on or you're wearing that old worn-out shirt again...YOUR CRUSH will come in charging at you as if Sea Biscuit is racing for the National Derby!!!!! There you are caught between the race track and the rider...hoping that somehow that person will avoid you!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! NOW I think more of this as an ESTABLISHED FACT!!!

I THINK SHE'S ABSO-FREAKIN-LUTELY RIGHT!!!!

Don't you think she's right??? It's devastating to see the person you are trying to avoid will suddenly pop-up of nowhere and destroy your entire day with utter disregard! Not like this! Not when you look like a heaping piece of trash??!!! Ah! Nothing beats that embarassment! You pray to all the pagan gods...anitos and anitas...wanting to wilt and die instantly...

We are so often subject to this...thing...what ever you call it...i call it "Look Good YET Feel Bad thinggammajigg!!! Why? Because I said so...

A date with the dentist

2005-08-13T23:52:00.000+08:00

Do you know that most people are afraid of dentists than lawyers? I guess there must be a HUGE reason for that...here's one!!!

Two years ago while I was still working as an IT manager for a courier company, I had a very unforgettable encounter with my dentist...I've been plagued by a sore tooth for a couple of weeks so I decided to give her a visit...let me recount the horror so that at least I could SCARE YOU!!!! Bwahahahaha!

My tooth started to hurt a few weeks earlier and I called up my dentist and asked for an appointment, but she was out and I didn't want to see any of her relievers so I decided to wait it out till she gets back. It really pissed me off though, because I am serious about my teeth! I brush them EVERY morning and EVERY night - even when I get home roaring drunk, I'll still brush them before going to bed - and I don't even really eat sweet things so WHY should something be wrong with my teeth?

Good plan? Hmm... except that what had been a sore tooth very quickly became a FUCKING GREAT PAIN and when I looked in the mirror, I could SEE a cavity, so I called back and booked for any dentist I could get. I couldn't get in to see anyone until the following Monday so I booked anyway and bought myself a couple of boxes of painkillers and crossed my fingers.

But by Friday I just couldn't take it anymore and wandered all over on my lunch break TRYING to find SOMEONE who could fit me in that day or the Saturday. Found someone! Great! I booked in for Saturday morning, knowing that it would cost me an arm and a leg, and possibly a shoulder blade and part of a knee cap as well, but not caring because my tooth FUCKING HURTS A LOT!

So I rocked up to this random dentist, had a big filling put in (turns out it was quite a deep cavity), went home and drank a couple of painkillers and went out that night. All good Saturday night

All good Sunday.

All good Monday morning.

Monday afternoon my jaw started to ache. I assumed it was just soreness from the grinding and drilling but by the end of the week I couldn't handle it anymore and called MY dentist - not the random one from the week before - and said "FUCKING HELP ME!" but they couldn't see me until Tuesday. So for the next three days I overdosed on painkillers (no seriously! If my liver wasn't already cactus from the amount I drink? It's DEAD now!) and rocked up at MY dentist that afternoon (having been on a liquid diet - soup, noodles, etc. ) only to be told that my dentist was with someone but that her reliever would see me. By this stage I didn't give a shit, I just wanted it done with, since I sure as hell wasn't dealing with it!

The reliever (whose name I never did actually get, his name sounded like Dr. Octopus or something) did an x-ray of the tooth (cutting my mouth on the x-ray pad) which showed that the random dentist had actually put the filling ON the nerve so that every time I chewed or talked or, ooh I don't know, MOVED MY HEAD AT ALL, the filling pressed on the nerve and cause me FUCKING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF PAIN.

The only solution really was to get rid of the filling I had (and had paid a fortune for) and replace it with a soft dressing, which apparently lasts for 6 months, and then choose whether I a) want

the tooth REMOVED (physical pain) or b) want root canal work (that'll hurt my pocket more!!!!!)

Having put me into a panic over the very horrible options I'd just been given, the dentist got a needle and INJECTED anaesthetic into my JAW. After about 10 seconds he poked my cheek and asked if it was tingling because that meant it was working. I said that NO, no tingles, although my jaw felt kind of heavy, and he just moved in there with the drill. After 10 FUCKING seconds!!

And that anaesthetic? Had NOT FUCKING WORKED because he drilled ACROSS THE NERVE and it was NOT NUMB and apparently I bit him but I don't remember that because I was too busy SCREAMING!!!!!!!!! I really looked pathethic...I know since I came in there coolly dressed and speaking in full american accent and now I'm reduced to a few ramblings in-between drills! GOD!

The next bit was totally strange and something that's never happened to me before. I was kind of crying, more sobbing breaths but I actually couldn't breathe properly and I was gasping and clutching at the dental nurse (who was SEXY, she was wearing a v-neck shirt and tight short skirt) and I couldn't stop and it was HORRID! It was fucking awful!

And then the dentist got ANOTHER needle and tried to inject my jaw again but I was still gasping and crying and he couldn't get a clear shot at me so he just shook me and told me that I was being silly and that I wasn't helping matters so I TRIED to get hold of myself a bit and he injected me again and said that if it hurt again to raise my hand and he'd stop and give me another injection and then he started drilling again (the nurse was rubbing my shoulder while this was going on, GOOD NURSE) and it STILL hurt so much I put up my hand and HE DIDN'T STOP so I put it up higher and he said "I've only got a minute or so left, it'll be ok" and KEPT DRILLING on a tooth that could FEEL IT and by this stage I was almost hysterical and he HAD to give me a minute to calm down before he put in the filling (which as far as I can tell was cotton wool and plaster. How convenient!!!!)

I don't think he even cared by that stage because he just told me that I'd need to book six months in advance for root canal work and shooed me out of his office. I was still a mess and the receptionists wouldn't let me go back to work (oh yes! This was on my lunch break!); they made me sit in the waiting room for a while with a newspaper and tried to calm me down.

After a while I walked back to work and TRIED to settle down and get on with everything. It was no good though, my nerves had been completely shot to pieces by the whole thing (and probably by having been in continuous pain for the best part of two weeks) and I kept dry sobbing and then tearing up and I was vague and distracted and my officemates were really worried about me.

But at least it was over, right?

Yeah its over!

But I had to choose whether to have a tooth pulled OUT (yuck yuck yuck) or have root canal therapy, where they pull the NERVE out (pain pain fuckingintensepain).

I didn't have to wait long...I had it pulled out after 2 weeks! PAIN PAIN PAIN!

Time flies...

2005-08-13T23:13:00.000+08:00

Time really flies doesn't it?

Now that we've become older...time's just another commodity. Before when I have to wait for an hour or so, I felt it was an eternity already. But now, an hour is more like a minute to me. Time gets faster and faster - the more valuable it gets...

Last Friday at class I came in exactly 8:40 AM, as usual I came in late, but while I was speaking (teaching) in front...I really felt something strange. When I looked at my watch it read 9:20 and it was time for me to start giving out the quiz. I paused for a moment to analyze what happened...suddenly I couldn't...I checked my notes to confirm if I covered everything...It added up...I covered most if not all topics...That doesn't add up! Right??? I felt I've only been standing (talking) there for just a couple of minutes...I couldn't believe it...WHEW...TIME REALLY DOES FLY!

After I decided not to give out the quiz (but instead we are going to do it on Monday 15th August), one of my students asked me a question regarding browser cookies, which I promptly answered...but before I could even add more to it...I saw the clock was ticking close to 9:30! Whew! Again I said to myself "TIME REALLY FLIES-FAST"

A Sleepy Morning and a Sudden Urge

2005-08-11T22:53:00.000+08:00

I didn't go to school today...I got too lazy with all the rain pourin on the roof. The weather was just too hostile outside and my bed got too friendly on me. I just couldn't crawl out of it. I just hugged my pillow really hard (compliments of G-lyn) and snoozed my way till noon. After that, I just ate a little and just watched TV. I saw something on HBO about the Dawn of the Dead...I've been looking forward to watching it but I never had the chance to. Too bad though, I only got to watch about 5 minutes of it...and soon the credits flashed right away!!!! Bummer! Oh well, I guess I have to catch it again!!!! GRRRRRRRRRR!

Around 2 PM the rain was still pouring heavy but I wanted to go out...I didn't exactly know why and where but I suddenly had an urge to do so...Strange. So I asked my self, will I take the chance even if its raining, even if I get wet, even if I have nothing sure to do?

I'm a risk-taker - so I did. I went to the school and tried finding something to do there. I got one...It just so happened that I neeeded my test papers printed...So the opportunity presented itself. I redied my test questions and off I went. When I got there I ended up reading this week's edition of TIME magazine instead of having the test papers printed. I found the magazine on top of the counter where our school secretary was working. Spent 30 mins reading the entire thing. Heheheh!

That's it for now...I'm not really in the mood to write...till next time.

Top 10 things I hate most when it's raining

2005-08-09T13:12:00.000+08:00

I've never written a top ten list before...I guess there's always the first time try...blame it on the rain!

Getting wet. I hate it. (Do I have to elaborate?)
When I hear somebody say "Dadami ka nyan pag-nabasa ka?" Grrrrr! I aint no Gremlin!
Umbrellas! Another Grrrr! Umbrellas are for wimps!
Mud! It gets to everything I step on...
Crappy TV re-runs when I get to stay home...another monster source of GRRRRRRRRRRR!
Everybody wants to stay home, so I have practically all of my family staring at my face!
Booty calls from very horny people! DUH! Must be the weather???!! I hate it...sorry guys...not my cup of tea!
Boring conversations from long lost friends calling in to say that they remembered me suddenly and out of the blue! Im sooooo way over that!
Receiving text messages or quotes from friends I haven't heard of for a long, long, long, long time. They must be implying something like "call me!" DUH... Never!
RAIN of course. It gets to anything and everything!

of Super heroes and sidekicks

2005-08-08T16:25:00.000+08:00

Life teaches us a lot doesn't it. I saw it last night out -- with Batman and Robin from eVer.

Batman is a smart man and I have much respect for him and his kin -- the Batman's in my life... all of them. Robin is unique in that there are many superhero's but very few sidekicks.

No wonder its impossible for most people to ever get married to someone that knows them completely...

If you can't find a sidekick, how do you find a spouse?

I think people go through their lives like Superman or Spiderman, hiding their true identity under layers and layers of society driven, suspicion diverting, inconspicuous camouflage.

I'm not saying that Batman was gay. I am saying that a relationship is based on more than lust and trust. Lust and trust are my two favorite 'non existent' pillars for relationships.

Everybody thinks that love is important... love is what it is... not one person can define love as anything concrete.

Lust, is well, I won't even elaborate on why that's a bad reason to build a relationship on.

Finally comes the last pillar: Passion.

Passion is important. Not for any other reason but for the fact that if you don't even begin passionately in love and madly trusting of the partner then what will you end up with?

Sure everybody says that passion fades, but these people are usually those that have never known true passion.

Passion is what passion is. A life without it is greatly undeserving of being referred to as such.

How I got from Batman to Passion, I'm not sure but it was on my mind these last few days as I've looked at my life and tried to eliminate everything from my it that doesn't inspire passion in me.

If I spend the half hour with someone and they proceed to just suck the life out of my body, leave me drained and unmotivated then they aren't the sort of people I want to spend my time with.

Every now and then you have to look around and check... only because its so strange the amount of influence the people around you can have on you... positive or negative!

That's my Zen for now on the last 3 nights. The stories will follow after!

Monday Blues...yeah I got the blues

2005-08-08T12:01:00.000+08:00

Who the FUCK likes mondays? If you could come up with one good thing about mondays, please let me know. (Well except for one thing - its one day closer to the weekend) It seems as if there has to happen some shit during the week, it has to be on a monday.

I didn't have to drag myself out of the bed today...I was lucid the very moment I opened my eyes...and I didn't have to crawl on my belly to take a bath...everything went swell...

BUT

My week didn't start off well. I'm soooo pissed! I started my class early...for the second straight meeting, I wasn't late...Isn't that great?

WRONG!

I got in early to find out that a couple of computer workstations have missing peripherals...one was missing a power cord, the other one had a mouse misplaced, and another had a malfunctioning keyboard! GRRRR! How am I going to teach if my if the fucking computer is broke!!!!!??? I wasted almost 30 minutes figuring out where the missing parts were!!!! Half of the time wasted! The idiots during Saturday class dont give a shit on who uses the computer lab after them! Just like a used condom...thrown away without any second thought. I nearly blew my TOP!

I was a NUCLEAR WARHEAD aimed indiscriminately at anything!

But I have to gain my composure...I sorta convinced my self that I've been through much rougher and tougher circumstances than this...It kinda paid off. But still, I can't help to think all didn't go as well as I planned it to be. Much of the weekend was spent anticipating good things to happen...Yet none of it materialized!

Still, I have to get the show going...I took a deep breath and let all the blind anger fly away...It kinda worked. I stepped in front of the class and put my best foot forward...as if nothing happened, as if numb, as if I'm light as a feather. I spoke in front of the class flawlessly...with impetuous and irresistable charge...my mind was clear. I actually felt great! Just like having an ORGASM...

I know you have a question - "Ian, why do you always use sex as an object of comparison?"

The answer? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!! GO FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF!

Sad to say, that was the only moment I felt great today...So far

From my mind...

2005-08-07T14:00:00.000+08:00

"Even if you have the noblest and the best of intentions...if you are in the wrong position, people will look at you the wrong way as well..."

i, me, mine

2005-08-06T16:12:00.000+08:00

Individuality. Sometimes i need to look back at what is going on in my life and see what parts of it is actually me.. and what parts are being influenced by other people. I hate feeling guilty for doing something just because it will upset one of my friends. I should be able to do what I want, without worrying about what other people think. Actually, that is what I do. There are so many things I want to do with my life. Places I want to go, things that I want to do. But there is always someone telling me what i should and shouldn't be doing. Its like my brain isn't good enough, I am not capable of making decisions for myself. I mean it can be something really simple.. or something that actually holds a great deal of importance. I mean.. obviously you are gonna be influenced by the people you are around. It happens without even knowing it.

Frustrating Frustrations

2005-08-05T03:40:00.000+08:00

More of this later...

"It must be hard trying to avoid someone you can't, but I've seen that its even harder to be the one being avoided and be offered no reason why..."

An empty hallway...

2005-08-05T00:04:00.000+08:00

After almost 5 years, I'm was back to doing something I thought would never do again...Go to the back hallway of my old school and re-cable our patchy network link. I did the same thing half a decade ago and I was on the brink of moving to Marsman-Drysdale Corp then. Now I've just moved out of my second job since then...weird...FREAK... I felt sad since I miss my old buddy Nap Yam, he was the Robin (he acknowledged that, sorry pal I had to say it) and I was the Batman of our dynamic duo. Now he's gone to teach some place I don't know...He was with me where ever I went...including the dingy back hallway. He always had a knack for helping me out. I felt I was walking on the same rocky, splinter-covered ground...Nothing has changed!!! And So I thought and and asked myself..."Have I changed?" Yeah, I've changed...I've grown older...

Phbbbbt! Talsik Laway!

2005-08-03T14:48:00.000+08:00

Believe it or not, this is isn't my first blog! I can't remember the site where I published my first two major blogs. I'm not swell at remembering things where am not good at...obviously im not a good writer...I'm just your plain vanilla guy.

I never believed in KARMA and all that horseshit that comes with it! Well that was BEFORE a series of unfortunate events happened to me. I won't delve into it right now since I'm not yet comfortable discussing it and besides I dont want the entire freaking world to know about it (not yet anyway). NOW, I believe that KARMA is somewhat true or it works under the hand of God...to remind us that we've been a real jerk lately. Its like Zeus' thunderbolt...a milder version of it...to jolt our senses back to normal. Since adults dont believe in Santa Claus anymore, I think we have lost the reason to behave for goodness sake...thats why even though we mean good most of the time...we end up doing the rotten thing!

Here's a cherry to top my day - I was thinking of a friend the entire day so I decided to call her up just to say hello. She kept on answering the phone but she doesn't utter a single word...not even a syllable. WHEW! I thought, this girl must be whacked or something! Everytime I dialed her number she just answers the mobile phone but say nothing at all. This happened more than 5 freaking times! I WAS PISSED. So I sent her an SMS...an angry one. Soon enough I got a reply saying she doesnt want to talk to anyone (including her tita and of course to poor little me). Shes in no mood at all...Understandable? Yes of course!!! This girl lost her mother a few days ago...Im giving her all the leeway. All the excuses but one! A simple hello would have been nice...Right? A single "Hello" or "Sorry I don't want to talk right now" or even "Fuck Off Ian!" might sound better. Phhhhbbtt! Not even that COW man! I thought we were close??!!??? But I guess I am wrong...How could she be so cold??? I hope she proves me wrong sooner or later...I hope she'll offer even a lame excuse...Gullible pa naman ako...but I dont see that coming on the horizon... Enough of this already...my eyes are squinting so hard that I might as well be wearing a kimono and shouting BANZAI all night!

The good ole days

2005-04-20T05:22:00.000+08:00

It felt really weird being in a room once filled with people and being there again but now empty and devoid of life. I visited my old office room yesterday...grabe!!! I simply cannot describe it. I really miss the chatter, the noise, the laughs, and the name callings! The customary "Hello, IT" when answering the direct line...Nothing beats that...I'm telling you. And this certainly deserves to be mentioned, Kitchie Nadal's song "Wag na Huwag mong sasabihin" being played over and over again. Hay...the happy days! Who could ever forget the heydays of DOD (Day of Defeat)??? Somebody told me, "Sir, kahit mababa ang sweldo basta't magkasama tayo at may DOD lang...OK na kami!" Hahahaha! The echo of gunfire in the background...mixed with laughter...and shouts of "YUNG FLAG! or GRANADA" I never thought that a game could ever make a group of men more than just co-workers but make of them as friends... Allies ka ba or Axis??? Fighting for one side certainly made us closer...gave us a ton laughs...

In the midst of nothing

2005-04-15T18:06:00.000+08:00

I'm actually very much lost at this time. Had a great time with gf the other day. But I still feel im a heaping piece of shit. Its hard being stuck in the same hole for the last 3 years. Can't climb out of this funk. I guess its another down cycle for me... a long one. Met someone very interesting 2 nights ago...same school as my gf's. Hmmm there must be something bout that school. Hehehehe I saw the UP campus yesterday as well...sheesh...i really liked that school. Reminds me of my own lost college life. I had to daydream that I was a rocker/campus figure just to convince myself to stop being insecure bout the young college people around me.... I guess thats it....useless!